song of the day: let's fall in love, ella fitzgerald

happy tuesday to you! i hope all is well. can i have one moment of childish excitement? it's my birthday tomorrow, and i'm so giddy i can barely contain myself. just heading in now? be sure to catch up on bryce. and the others.

so this picks up right where the last story left off. (catch up on the rest here)

i can't tell you how many times i've wished life WAS just like the movies. (or tv. i've always had this dream where me and my friends move into adjacent apartments, just like in friends.) even knowing what i do now, i still expect the movie ending because that's what always happens. especially when i was on a cruise a couple years ago.

i don't quite know what happened to me that trip, but something got to me. maybe it's the air out there on the caribbean sea. on the 2nd day of the trip i realized that nothing i did had any weight. there were no consequences that could follow me home and i went crazy. that cruise still marks the most outgoing i've ever been. i talked to a slew of people, grinded up against guys i barely knew. which, believe me, never happens. (and has never happened since!)

my friend josie, her family and mine all went on that caribbean cruise. josie and my sister could hardly believe me. and i suppose they should have been the reminder of who i really was, but for some reason their disbelief only pushed me farther. i made friends in hot tubs, i flirted shamelessly, i sung karaoke and then i met julian.*

it was on the second of two formal nights. i'm a firm believer that there are no better confidence boosters than red bras, black underwear and a little black dress. that night was a triple threat.

these days i try to convince myself that someone dared me to sing karaoke that night, but i know i did it of my own volition. (i did wouldn't it be nice, by the beach boys, it was cute.) josie, my sister and i had been following a lot of boys around that week and two of them –brothers – were hanging out at the promenade after the show. josie and kendra were ogling, but i was past that. my legs were moving before i was.

i think i heard josie and kendra trying to call me back, but it was too late. i swear to you it was like tunnel vision. i didn't know what i was going to say or do, but i was heading for them. i'm incredibly lucky they were sitting by the (non-alcoholic) bar at the time, and that there weren't many people in the promenade. i slid up in the stool beside the tallest one and ordered a sprite. he looked over and smiled. i smiled back. i sipped my Sprite. a little further down the boat, a folksy guitarist was strumming away at van morrison's "brown-eyed girl." when it came time for the "sha-la-las" he and i came in in perfect harmony. he laughed, deep and husky, and i still remember that laugh today.

he had short brown hair, sun kissed olive skin, a wide bright smile and deep brown eyes more gorgeous i'm sure than the chick in the song. i forget who spoke first, but i bet it was me. either way, his name was julian. his brother's name was john. i'm not sure how we got around to it, but we talked about how there were no consequences here really understood. for some reason, talking to julian was just easy compared to the way my tongue ties itself in knots whenever i'm at home. i told him about karaoke. and about kendra and josie. he told me jamaica was the best island because the drinking age was lower (he was 19 to my 17, a lofty and mysterious age). when my sprite was done, i said goodbye and walked away without looking back. at the time, it felt like the cool thing to do, but i wish now i had stayed.

we tried for the rest of the trip to bump into them again. we made a lot of visits to the promenade. one time we were on a balcony and we spotted them three floors below and i literally shouted "thar she blows!" (i think i just got caught up in the moment, something about being on a boat) we scrambled down the stairs but had already lost them in the crowd.

i don't know if you've ever been on one, but the last day of the cruise feels like the saddest day of your life. no one gets to sleep in because they have to feed you breakfast before shoving you off the boat. everyone was shuffling through this tired enormous breakfast line, like shackled inmates. i had just settled on a box of cheerios when i heard it.

"do you remember when she used to say sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lala-di-dah."

now if this was the movies, this would be the moment when the love interest appears, and they share a warm embrace or a heartfelt kiss or at the very least they exchange phone numbers. and i wanted my moment, i remember i ran from the line and stood in the middle of the room, waiting, but he never came. when the song was over, i went back to where my family was sitting and finished my soggy cheerios in silence.

and that's when it became inescapably apparent my life would never be like a movie.

authors note:

*julian's name has NOT been changed. in the futile attempts that someone who knows him will somehow pass it on and he'll come find me and all will be fabulous. think i was a little bitter when i was writing this. but these days, as you can see, i do believe movie moments happen. i just have to wait for mine.

so question, what are your confidence boosters? what makes you feels your fiercest? and if you've ever had a movie moment, i would lovelovelove to hear it!



legit picture from my cruise.