(song of the day: the call, regina spektor)


here i go again, airing my neuroses. but i do find it v. therapeutic though. so here's the deal. i've been noticing one the the things that comes out of my mouth is "i'm sorry." i apologize for everything to everyone. i feel like westley in wanted. i'm thinking about three things that happened this weekend.

i was at work making at balloons last saturday morning and there were a lot of people in the cage. (err. behind the counter at work. it's all the balloon cage cause a part of it is fenced in to keep the balloons from hitting the ceiling) a guy who works there (who i will call WD) came in because he needed to ask me something. i was in the middle of talking to a customer AND putting a bouquet together, so i told him where to find what he was looking for. but when WD was walking toward me i was like "sorry" and threw myself out of his way. and he said point blank, "i could've gone around you know. and i'm the one interrupting you, asking you for a favour when you're clearly busy. so what are you sorry for?"

ever since WD brought it up, i've been super aware of it all weekend. like i was hanging out with someone else playing taboo, and even though i was the highest scoring member on our team (not bragging, real fact) i kept apologizing for not doing better for some reason. don't get me wrong, there are times to say your sorry, even sometimes when you don't mean it. but it's not just about being polite.

read more and the fix, after the jump.

those examples weren't the only time. i say sorry if i get in the same elevator as someone else, only because they've gotten there first. i say sorry when someone else steps on my foot as if it's my fault it was there in the first place. apologzing is kind've like breathing for me. i'm a caring person, and i really do hate to offend, but i think it's a bit much. saying sorry doesn't even really register to me any more. for me, the word has lost its meaning. and i hate saying things i don't mean. i hate that i do it all together. i think that sometimes, apologizing makes you appear weaker. it's like putting yourself down, in a way.

i can't even really say why i do it so much. it's probably a confidence thing. and i also want to make everyone happy. but i don't want to think too much about it, sometimes self reflection is gross. like poking your own insides. so i'm skipping right to the solution. i mean, i'm working on the confidence thing everyday, but there's gotta be something more.

i'm making a list. you should never apologize for:

-things that weren't your fault. WD was right. it totally makes sense that i want to make people feel happy/better/comfortable. but i shouldn't apologize for that! there's always the chance, that people could turn around and really think it IS my fault (it's happened before). they can take my saying sorry as an admission. so maybe next time someone's steps on my toe, instead of apologizing, maybe i'll just accept their apology. and if one's not offered, i should just forget about it.

-things outside your control. sometimes crap happens and there's nothing you can do about it. (whoa, just got the urge to sing 'hakuna matata'). i should never apologize for things that happens that have nothing to do with me or anyone else. sometimes it rains, or buses are late, plans get cancelled. there are other examples. the next time "i'm sorry" is about to come out of my mouth, i'll think long and hard about what it is i'm apologizing for. if i really had nothing to do with it. i won't say it.

what about you? anyone else find they have the same problem i do. do you have anything to add to the list?

one final thought. i can't stand john tesh, but he does give good advice. "don't be nice at the expense of undervaluing yourself." that's the last thing i wanna do! wish me luck! and a good week to you as well!

check the photo here.