original post date: march 30, 2009
(song of the day: if i aint got you, alicia keys)

i've had a set back in last week's epiphany. some nights it takes me HOURS to fall asleep. and not for lack of trying. but when i'm lying in bed i tend to go over every conversation i've had that day and analyze it to death. like, "should i have said this instead of that?" "i hope she knew that i meant it like this and not like that." "i wonder what he thought when i said that?" it's awful. downright tortuous. and it's only gotten worse now that i like someone. i turn every conversation over in my head a thousand times. it's all "when he said that, i wonder what it really meant?" and in all honesty, it probably meant exactly what he said. i know it makes no sense to read so much into things. so why can't i stop doing it? it's seriously been taken me two hours to fall asleep every night for the past week.

and for some reason i thought i (and tato =P) were the only ones who were that neurotic. i've been googling all day and was glad to find there were tons of other people with the problem, but no one else really had a good solution. the advice fell into two schools either "distract yourself" until it goes away or "just stop" which is simple but ridiculous at the same time. i mean, everybody knows overanalyzing isn't going to get you anywhere. there is no time machine. what's said is said.

oddly enough, the best advice i got was from my mom. (or not surprisingly. she does know everything). she reminded me that it actually happens to a LOT of people. my mom said, part of it has to do with self-confidence. and i'll admit, mine is patchy at best =P but she pointed something else out as well. the first thing i have to do is stop thinking i'm so unique, or that i'm "the only one." which i don't aim to do, kind of something that happens subconciously. but i have to remember ithat in regular conversations, everybody is way too busy thinking about themselves to be thinking about you. i mean think about a conversation you had today and try and pinpoint something "awkward, or strange or wrong" that the other person said. bet you can't. or at least, i couldn't. i was too busy worried about what i was saying or not saying. things are never as bad as you make them out to be in your mind.

she reminded me that people aren't like books. conversation is instantaneous so there's no point looking for some deeper meaning. if i don't speak in metaphors there's no reason anyone else would. i LIKE people, and talking to them shouldn't give me insomnia. what she suggested is to devote all my attention to the person i'm talking to next time i'm in a conversation. don't worry so much about saying the funny/smart/right thing. just listen and respond. cause that's all that you really want out of conversation anyway. strange thing to write about i know, but it's been a strange day...

sweet dreams!